The end of an era

It is must be, for how else will you describe a week which not only saw us have the last breastfeed but also the sprout of a tiny white bub which is now visible when baby A smiles.

Baby A had her last breast feed day before yesterday night. Yesterday she took the bottle and went to bed. She seemed okay, I however, missed the way she would get excited and clap her hands every night when she would realize that I was going to settle down to feed her.I miss her warm body cuddled so close to mine that it was easy to believe we were one and the same.I miss her blissful smile at the end of the session...In all I feel bereft, which is rather shocking given our rocky start. 11 months and 6 days back my daughter never latched and when she did I hated it. I had written about the start our journey here. Along the months I have felt frustrated, elated, irritated and peaceful in turns and I can confidently say that nothing else has given me as much satisfaction and sense of achievement as this. So why not feed her into her toddler years? I am sorely tempted, so much so that even now I have restrain myself and fight my instincts to just go back to feeding her, but the idea of weaning a willful baby A is enough to scare me away from the notion.I also believe that the return of the monthly blues two months back, closely followed with Baby A taking the bottle, was a sign that it was time to move on. So this was planned, but after baby A went to sleep yesterday, I was in tears for a long time.Somehow in my mind this end is synonymous with growing up and I am heartbroken that baby A in some ways will never be the same again. I am sad that I might never breastfeed again, for in spite of the giant pain it is at times, it is unbelievably easy once you get a hang of it and extremely fulfilling.

My little baby will be a year old in less than a moth. Everyday I eagerly wait to see if she will do something new and rejoice in her achievement and then mourn the fact that she has grown a little more. Sometimes I wish I could ask time to stop and stay in certain moments a little longer. Though I try to capture her growing up in camera, video camera and this blog, I realize that I am not anywhere near doing justice to the whole journey. For that  reason I think I should me more regular in blogging. Hoping that I will come this way again very soon. Adios.


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