Is this okay?

"Appa, I have worked out how to manage my finances, is this okay?"
"Amma ,I want to wear the red saree, what do you think"
"Is this much salt okay in sambar?"

Seeking approval from parents is an inbuilt mechanism almost all Indians of all age groups have. I think it comes to due to years of conditioning among other things...but most times it is about courting petty appreciation, which lends a feel good factor. When one of P's cousins brought this up yesterday, the thought stuck on and I relaized that this might be the root cause for most of our disgruntlement with our parents. Of course, there could be other issues like too much frankness, a tad too much of involvement and so on....but this is an important aspect and I am sure, if we were to take a re look at our life as a third person, such issues would become glaring obvious.

I understand seeking opinions between two adults is a normal part of any relationship but often between parents and children it rather one way....Not many parents ask/seek opinions from their children. Forget the really life changing decisions, often they don't even discuss the simple/ random things like
"What colors do you think we should use for the bedroom"
"What do you think I should tell your pati"
This compulsive, unidirectional opinion seeking, followed by distress on rejection/dismissal, is a bit unsettling . Is this how it should be?

If we could just brush away opinions (explicitly stated or alluded) that we don't agree with or like, life would be so much more simpler. It also helps when parents and children learn to say, little life saving white lies just to humor each other, but more on this later.

"You think this is not a right investment option, well thank you for your opinion but as much as value it, I think this is perfect for me ."
"You think the red saree makes me look fat, well maybe but I want to wear it anyway."

I understand that not all us fall into this approval seeking bracket, but if you are there, then just recognizing the problem is the first step towards undertaking the journey of becoming a real adult!

Read more here-How to Stop Craving a Parent's Approval (When You're Already an Adult!


fullmoononearth said...

You know I figured this arrangement out when my parents and I started having too many arguments. The subject was my marriage. The only time I refused to listen to them coz I wasn't convinced. A strong no coming from a person who'd not even go to buy herself a pair of footwear. I'd make do with mom's and she'd have to ask dad for another pair for herself :)

lipstick said...

@ FME- You know not many people understand this...But I feel you.

Raaga said...

I hear you... but I can't say I've experienced it. When my father/mother has to do something important, they make sure to speak to us. And the good part is that I've seen them take our advice as well.

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