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When to(not to) stand and fight...

So I have these set of ideal principles I believe in, but when these include anyone more than just myself, I often find that I cannot impose what I believe on them. Even if I am right, even if they agree with me, even if they are ready to make speeches and blogs on them, there are hardly any who are willing to put what they say into actual actions.

Let me explain with a very simple example. I have always believed that marriage cost must be borne equally by both the bride and the bridegroom, but much to my dismay, I could not get my way during my own marriage, nor my sisters. The progressive men we married did not think much of it( P still changes the topic when I talk about anything even close to this and says he did spend an almost equal amount on various expenses/reception ). Basically, it was a non issue with pretty much everyone. Now I am subjected to listen to my in laws talk along the same lines of my bro-in law's wedding. (No, they are not looking at dowry etc, just that equal cost splitting is not even in the radar) I usually make my escape when the topic comes up, lest I say something I really feel.Is that cowardly of me? Maybe. Or is it just being more sensible? For lately I have realized that there are somethings one just cannot change and any attempt to do will only upset the delicate balance.

The key to a peaceful life, lies in the capacity and strength to accept the things that we cannot change. Maybe if inclined, we can seek the courage to change the things in our control. Most importantly we need to understand the difference, and act accordingly.

As Reinhold Niebuhr has written in The Serenity Prayer (1934) reads:

"God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other"

Ps- I have heard many people in Bombay , do split the wedding expenses.

6 comments:

Raaga said...

My parents split the cost of my brother's wedding with the bride's parents...but had to bear the entire cost of mine... much against my own wishes. Of course, the less said about my wedding and my in laws, the better.

My husband offered to split the cost from his pocket and my father refused because he felt he wasn't at the stage in life where he could afford the cost and told him, "Now you're part of the family, so it is the same thing whether I spend or you do."

I hope to someday be able to pay the entire sum back to my dad.

Guru said...

try speaking to a reddy/rao girl about this!! and then have the same discussion with a reddy rao guy!! u talk in thousands and laks thre its in crores

lipstick said...

@ raaga- I feel you.
@ guru- Its not about the amount but the principle that the cost should be split equally or even proportionately ( to the number of guests) like they do in Bombay. How many men have the backbone to do the right thing?

Life Science said...

Yes ,splitting cost is the best way.
Hope it happens very soon .
I also hope the "Aadambar" which seems to be increasing is brought down.
Gifts should be only in cash or none at all.The person who gives believes it is the best but becomes a burden on the person who receives and he/she just passes it to someone else!

fullmoononearth said...

I guess it's us girls only who think the way u've mentioned coz may be we have the idea that we're not gonna be a part of the family as we were pre-wedding. I totally agree with but I also have this question, post wedding a guy is obliged to spend on his parents and sibling (sister's wedding, may be even brother's) and parent's medical expenses etc but am I gonna do that for my parents and younger brother? I'm certain I'm not expected to. My brother is expected to though. My brother will and his future in-laws will spend on his wedding be it full or partly. But will I have that kinda money to give away for a wedding? My hubby will have to arrange for that expense when there's a wedding in his side of the family. I may have to help him there, but it's not an obligation. I mean when it's money, how do I decide who to spend on now that I have Three families namely my parents and siblings, his parents and siblings and mine?

lipstick said...

@ life science( amma) - Yes I agree with you.

@ Fullmoononearth- Its been so long...where have you disappeared? I believe that whatever we do, we should equally for all families to our best abilities.For example a brother and sister contributed 50% to their own parents and in laws and in turn the children of in laws also do their 50% and so two halves become a whole.

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