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Marriage -what does it actually entail?

A few days back I watched the movie Flavors on the internet. There are quite a few things sweetly endearing about it, but the one part that stayed with me was what the soon to be Indian mother-in law, tells her soon to be American daughter in law, after she realizes that she has been in and out of many relationships.

See Jenny in India we don’t have a boyfriend. No, there is a love marriage but no boyfriend…..You should always think, I have only one husband and I have to be happy with him. So when problem comes, you should face it and solve it and not think I will get another husband. Then you will see how happy you will be.

I don’t remember the exact words but they were something along these lines. I think she wrapped up the meaning of marriage in these few short lines.

Along the years, whenever I saw amma and appa having fights, I used to always believe that were ill suited and should not have had to live together. I believed arranged marriage and our chauvinistic society was working its evil intent and making them fight. On retrospect, I think what they had was a true marriage. They had their set of problems and resolved them in their own way. Like in any random fight, there is always someone who ends up loosing a bit more, getting a tad more hurt and shedding more tears… but in the end when you see that they have managed to stay married for thirty odd years, you know both of them have come out victorious.

I have been married for barely two and half years now and am no expert on it, but I think I am slowly catching on to what exactly a marriage is about. For one, it is about being comfortable and completely at ease with each other. It is about not having to think twice about popping a zit in front of him or talking about his constipation problems. Then it is about small things like figuring out what is for dinner and who will do the vacuuming this week. It is about having blow ups over really stupid things and then later making up. In between all this, like a silver lining in a grey cloud, there are those few lucky days when we can have good insightful conversation or watch a sitcom and share a few audible laughs. The luckiest days are those, when we can afford to say nothing at all to each other and still be comfortable in the silence.

After all this, there are those really tough parts of accepting each others shortcomings and even though you cannot come to terms with all the shortfalls, it is still an achievement if you have spent years together just trying to come to terms with them. For that is what counts. The conscious effort that you put towards making your marriage work is what matters. Though it sounds highly unromantic, no sustainable relationship can be effortless. Marriage is one relationship which requires lot of attention and lot of effort. It’s like a needy little child who grates on your nerves when cranky but at times gladdens your heart with the sweet bubbly laughs.

I am quickly learning that marriage is like a complex chemical equation that refuses to get balanced and I hope with all my heart that we will spend many many years trying to balance it. For I realize that it is this journey that holds the essence of marriage.

3 comments:

Pretty Woman said...

:) Very well put!...The comfort level is so much that I feel like he is a part of me...I don't mean to be corny!

lipstick said...

It is absolutely not corny!

Kartik said...

Well articulated -things that we think of and never pen down!

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