How much is too much?

The ghosts of my past have come back to haunt me. After having walked that dangerous lane of keeping too many appointments and then having tripped, fallen, broken an arm, leg and nursed few cracks on my heart, I am afraid, I am very close, too close to walking down the same lane yet again.

This realization dawned on me last morning and I have been feeling a bit low since then, even though the circumstances advocate nothing but happiness. You know the feeling when things go well and make you so happy that you start thinking how it will be to loose it all. Well this situation is something like that.

Before I get to the point where I can explain all this I must say that it’s been a very long time since I have actually thought of future and had any appointments with life; I had zero expectations out of marriage, my trip abroad, pune and everything else. It’s a simple defense mechanism. I was always prepared for everything that could go wrong and to tell you the truth, this has done me a lot of good so far. I have been doing just fine, but last night I realized everything is not as it seems.

So, P has passed CISA, and I am proud of him. I say this because the exam is a a challeneg whicThe fact that I introduced, nurtured and led this CISA project to completion made me feel as if it’s my project and I think this was the other factor other than fact that P himslef had accomplishe dthe task I was elated. I did not realize that I felt this way till my grandma called and congratulated, a very baffled me. (She was the only one) She felt I deserved 50% credit! On afterthought , I was amazed at how astutely this 80 year old woman had accessed the situation and decided that I deserved some credit as well. She is truly ahead of her times.

Anyway I have now got completely involved with the multiple probable answers for the question “What next?” - A change of career path, a change of place? You get the idea. In all this my career has slowly started taking a back seat. I have not thought or mulled over my depressing circumstances in Pune and my love hate relationship with Finacle for quite sometime now. It’s been all about P.

Is that healthy? Am I getting too involved with his career and life? Am I at a risk of taking his career ups and downs a bit too personally? Am I really a 50-50 partner in all things to be ? Do I even want to be that? Is there even a question of choice over that? Does marriage make you a 50% partner in everything? Is this the baggage being in love comes with? Will he feel the same way? I don’t know. I started this post in search of answers and have none as yet, but will post it nevertheless as this blog has gotten very lonely and deserves some attention.

Maybe, this is a true come back post…


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