Have you seen the yellow blossoms which start blooming every march and are in full splendor towards April. Today I could see yet another season of beauty in all its glory. As I walked back home in the evening I met a friend who exclaimed that I had not changed at all… I have to disagree with her here. How could I have not changed in the last six years when I know I am not what I was last March?
I wanted to tell her that life does not leave anyone untouched and that winds of change leave no leaf unturned. Somewhere along the path some dreams come true and some leave you broken hearted. There are people who leave a foot print in your heart and some who cease to exist simply because they no longer matter. There have been acts and facades which could not keep pace with time and had to slip along the way before new found vulnerabilities made us don new masks. No mask will be permanent and no mask can prevent the time from marking you in some unique way.
While she giggled at the one of the pranks we had played on a simple slightly unfortunate little girl in our class at that time, I wanted to ask her if she had ever bought a basket of mangos without a single defective piece; for we are after all we are like a basket of mangoes. There always will be those, who will be less fortunate than us. Maybe circumstances have been kinder to her and maybe she has always been one of the more fortunate ones, but I want to tell her that life comes with no guarantees and sooner or later it will be time to become the odd man out. The fear of being cast aside will leave you feeling helpless and needy. Then maybe the past will come back to haunt her as it did to me.
I cannot giggle along with her and hearing her makes me wish with all my heart I could go back in time and be kinder to that naive little girl. I wish I had befriended her. Our walk was coming to an end and she was telling me that she had proposed to her now fiancé. I am happy for her. Truly happy, but I cannot agree with her when she express her despair over women who don’t take destiny in their hands and move on with their lives. For I know now that it is possible that even eternal sunshine can fade away and a dusk can come to rest in your soul with no definite end in sight. Sometimes waiting for seasons to change can take a life time and sometimes it a matter of few seconds. The center stage can get too sapping. The shadows in the hidden corners can hold more appeal and draw you into a complacent existence where you learn to live with yourself just the way you are. I want to tell her that this does not make you any less a person and what many fail to realize is that, it is a matter of choice more than anything else.
I fear that in the next few seconds she will realize that I am no longer what I was. The gusty confidence and loud opinions has been replaced by quite disdain. I no longer wish to fight battles or take sides. I am content in watching the seasons change from my little dimly lit corner. I cannot help but wonder will she still want to continue this conversation with me? I stubbornly pull away from these thoughts lest I don’t like the answers I find, murmur an incoherent good bye and quickly walk away in a path covered with yellow blossoms…