Prologue: He and She are madly in love (or so they believe-yes that is the cynic in me) It has been X months of crazy phone calls, dreamy nights, sweet nothings…etc. It’s all fixed; they are getting married early next year. Bliss is it not? Nothing can go wrong. Or can it?

Present -Phone ringing

She: Whts up?
He : Usual
She: Kam hai kya?
He : Ha
She: I got myself new foot wear today.(In 7th heaven and all smiles)
He : Okay.
She: Don’t you want to ask about it??(Confused and hurt)
He : Ha tell me. (In a resigned voice)
She: You don’t want to talk to me these days do you??(In a whiney- sad tone)
He : Huh?? I called right?!? (Irritated)
She: Ya, but you do it for formality types…
He : Areey I have work …
She: I also have work, but want to talk na…
He : So do I!!(Why is she so needy all the time…and starts flicking channels - some cricket news flashes and he stays there)
She: You don’t care do you? It is over for you
He : What is over? What are you saying? Anyways listen I have some work now so will catch up later.
She: (silence) bye

Click- Click

She is upset beyond words and cries herself to sleep…Goes to work next day in a bad shape and ends up sick. Friends and Family counsel her. He is not the right man they say because she has shed so many tears that he never even knew about!

Go to Prologue;
Repeat N times;(!!)

Will they live “Happily ever after”? Will it last?? Questions and more questions…
I have seen this happen time and again with so many of my friends (men and women) that it’s not funny anymore.

What is missing is Space- That is what keeps any relationship alive. (Please note here relationship can also be friendship) What She needs to understand is that He might need some time for himself and may not always accede to her emotional needs. Remember the time both of you fought, when She wanted to take off with her friends and have a life independent of Him. Remember that time when She put her foot down about that onsite opportunity she got and wanted to go even though both of you knew it could extend up to six months. So it can go both ways, men and women alike need their own space in their own way.

I don’t know about others, but at least I cannot imagine my life revolving around one particular person (spending 24/7 in someone’s company and likes of it) and would hate it I was the center of someone else’s life. Usually too much of togetherness, is not healthy as one person always ends up giving more than the other and after some time he/she starts to feel betrayed. May be he/she does not feel the same way anymore? Such questions start appearing with alarming frequency in this persons mind. (First signs of Insecurity?)Confrontation or lack of confrontation alike makes things worse as one of them ends up taking all the blame and retreats into his/her cave and refuses to talk/discuss. The solution to all this, I think is that no one should love or care with so much passion that they deny and take up the other persons breathing space.

Don’t smother them with your affection!

Keep in mind by doing so you are killing the relationship with your “excess” dosage of emotions. But if you believe you are very “giving” by nature then please do so without expecting anything in return! Love, caring even friendship is about letting go and giving the other person all the freedom in the world. (Ring a bell?!?)

Bottom line being some dependency is good, but complete dependency on a partner for all of one's needs is an invitation to unhappiness for both.

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

-Kahlil Gibran on marriage


Debaditya said...

The rebirth of the topic;-)..
Guess u wrote the post just to include the beautiful poem........

Caffeinism said...

@ deb- Rebirth? This is the first time I am writing about space !!

Little Miss Sunshine said...

"First signs of Insecurity?"
You said it all in that seemingly unimportant, threatening oblivious one quiet single word - "Insecurity". I have a theory that all the world's suffering, pain and problems are due to that single culprit. No amount of education or career success or what one would call societal success seems to take one away from it! It is so easy a trap to fall into!
Will blog on it soemtime I guess, lest my comments end up as small blogs, which also seems to be an easy trap I am falling into!

Raaga said...

Wow... just the topic that we debated over dinner tonight. How one needs to give "optimum" space to one's partner. I've been accused of giving way too much :)

Nice read... nice poem :)

Goutham said...

Can't agree more. I think along with space, there should also be a certain amount of patience. Very often, even very sensible people/couple end up misunderstanding one another. In that case, it is important that people/couple involved be a little patient, to give one another the time to think things through. This is very important in any good relationship.

Vasu said...

Ya, Its true. Somtimes, it puzzles me how people can stick with their friend/ partner 24/7...

I fail to understand how a person can stick with a fellow humanbeing like that...
I am clueless....

Expressions said...

Totally agree...Though I feel during the initial stages of any relationship(Love 0r friendship),24*7 is a strict and most wanted YES YES...But with time it seems to wane away.....Space is best given, when both individuals in the relationship, understand the true sense of it..Else it ends up misunderstood

Caffeinism said...

@ sunanda- I agree.Is that a way of saying my comments on yur blog, rival a post? he he...I know they do...I seem to have that affliction of running away with words...sorry abt tat.

@Raaga- "Optimum" yes that's word I left out.Thanks for brining it up.Hmm..I think I too in my over anxiety to give space give too much of it.

@ g'man- "Patience", yes that is another thing i left out.Thanks for writing that here.Totally agree.

@vasu - Yup its hard to imagine.I know some who do that and often wonder don't they ever feel cluttered.Thanks for dropping by.

Caffeinism said...

@ expressions- I think i disagree there, at any point of time in any realtionship togetherness should happen over a period of time and not "dhad-boom-Hum aur Tum" 24/7 for sometime in the begining and then "huff-puff-gayab" in the later stages.

Expressions said...

Ha Ha ....really funny..

Little Miss Sunshine said...

no rey! I commented here just after answering your comment in mine and was stopping myself before I ended up writing another looooooooong comment.
It's always a pleasure to see you running away with words.So keep at it!! :)

Ajay Khandelwal said...

Space matters but ultimatley its the intensity of emotions that takes the fore. Two people cant be the same, so one has to be overly emotional, then only the love can grow in leaps and bounds ... Hope you understand :)

Caffeinism said...

@ Ajay Khandelwal- Yup I understand what you mean, at least with respect to you.;-)

Mukund said...

Space is the word which came up in the conversation which i had with one of ur friends here!!! and the poem is so very true!! lovely blog u have here and that too with the name of my favourite poison :)

Caffeinism said...

@ Mukund- Thank You fellow coffee lover.:-D

Suresh Thiagarajan said...

I think everybody goes through this in their first worthwhile relationship. In most cases people will learn this by experience, unless if lucky enough to have seen in close friends' relationships that this is the root cause for problems/ smart enough to have realised this before getting into a relationship then good for him/her.

Caffeinism said...

@ suresh- You know it happens between friends(men/women)too...I have had friends who used to want to occupy too much of my space...which made me run in the other direction...and it happens every time...

fullmoononearth said...

Completely agree with you. Giving space to the other person is as important as love.

kartyc said...

why i do think that what is written is based on some experience that the author might have gone through?:)

Caffeinism said...

@ Kartyc- Well I will asnswer your question even though I don't have to...

Its something some of my very good friends have gone through and wrote this with one of them in mind.:-D

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